Dear Mask,
I, like everyone else doing remote learning, have not bothered to put on pants for my Zoom classes. In fact, I haven’t worn pants at all for over a year. My parents tell me that I’ll be coming back to campus next week, but I’m freaking out because I’m a growing boy and none of my pants or shorts fit me anymore! Should I just come to school with no pants on?
Sincerely,
Pantsed
Dear Pantsed,
Yes, of course you should come to school with no pants on. No one at all will giggle at you. No one will stare at you or point at you, or take photos of you on their phones and post them everywhere. You definitely won’t be the laughing stock of the entire school. And I’m sure you won’t get sent home by the principal for violating the dress code!
Blinded,
The Mask
Every time I ask my friends to come to my house, they say they would just leave. I’m confused. What do they mean by leave? It’s still winter, and there aren’t any leaves on the trees. Except evergreens. But my yard doesn’t have any evergreens. The nearest evergreen tree is at the park, four miles down the road.
Thanks,
Mickey
Dear Mickey,
Your friends are definitely referring to evergreens. Get your hiking shoes on, and hike the four miles to the evergreen tree at your park. They will meet you there.
Bless your heart,
The Mask
I have the worst problem ever! My younger brother has a box of photos of me when I was a baby. It's his most prized position. I personally think it's creepy. He used to show them to anyone who visited our house, but ever since the pandemic started and online school became the only aspect of my social life, he's been ruining my life by coming into my Zoom classes and showing everyone my baby photos! I’ve asked him to stop multiple times but he just doesn't stop. Please help me, Mask, you're my only hope!
Sincerely,
Betrayed Big Sister
Dear Betrayed Big Sister,
It seems the only logical solution here is to drop out of school. How dare your brother reveal the deep dark secret that you were once a baby -- and that you actually looked like a baby when you were a baby! No wonder you are feeling so ashamed. Now you will never be able to show your face to your friends again. Oh, and if you one day become the parent of a baby, don’t take any pictures of them, at any age, ever, to spare them embarrassment when they’re older.
Happy to help!
The Mask
I am addicted to cursing. I love it. When I’m upset, cursing gives me this warm and fuzzy feeling inside. But then there’s Mom. Ugh. She doesn’t let me have my warm and fuzzy feeling. I want it back so bad! Is there an alternative for cursing your head off?
Sincerely,
@#$%^
Dear @#$%^,
Use curse words sparingly, because they eventually lose their value. Think of inflation: As more money gets printed, the money you already have becomes more and more worthless. If you were a millionaire, and suddenly everyone had about the same amount of money as you, the money you had would become just average. You will feel warmer and fuzzier if you save the cursing for really special occasions.
Golly gee whiz,
The Mask
I have been having an issue with my mom lately. She is such a helicopter parent! She is allowing me to go to school in person, but every recess she walks onto campus and sings the ABCs while I wash my hands to make sure they are clean. She is also super embarrassing in the supermarket. She makes me go with her, and every time someone gets within six feet of us, she sprays them down with Lysol and blares a horn. She also has a whole application process for my friends. Whenever I want a new friend, they have to apply, and my mom has to clear them to be my friend. I don’t know how to tell her she’s taking things too far.
Sincerely,
Mom Probs
Dear Mom Probs,
Has it ever occurred to you that you don’t scrub your hands long enough with soap and water? Or that strangers getting close to you can kill you with their Covid? Or that you always choose absolutely awful friends?
Love you, Sweetie,
Your mom
I sell custom-made masks on my website because I feel like everyone needs a mask that works for them. My best friend helped me design and code my site. But a couple months later, this friend stole my idea and made their own site that’s become even more successful than mine! What can I do about this?
Sincerely,
Mask Making
Dear Mask Making,
Get everyone everywhere to follow all the public health guidelines so that this pandemic ends as soon as possible. That way, people will no longer want to buy masks, and your friend’s website will go out of business in no time. Mwa-ha-ha!
Go capitalism!
The Mask
My life has been horrible. It all started on Tuesday when I was making my lunch for school. My cat jumped up on the counter and stole my lunch! It walked around the house screeching, and it lunged at me if I looked at it. Later that day, it ripped up my pillow and put a rock in my pillowcase. This cat is becoming a threat to my life! It spills its bowl of water, throws up its food, and to top it all off, my cat doesn’t even wear a mask!
Sincerely,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Two words: Revenge plot. First, steal your cat’s lunch. (I know you love cat food!) Next, lunge at your cat and fight it. (I hope your fingernails are long!) Then, put rocks in your cat’s bed, and throw up on your cat. Basically do everything your cat does to you. Except you should still wear a mask. Please.
Meow!
The Mask
Every year I come up with the best April Fools pranks. One year, I got a bunch of balloons and put them in my younger brother’s room. Another year, I put almost 100 rubber bands on my older sister’s bedroom door so when she woke up she couldn't get out of her room. Last year, I switched my mom’s hair spray with Gorilla Glue, and her hair is still stuck to this day. But this year, I’m the one who’s stuck. I can’t go to the store to buy materials to prank my friends. I’m out of ideas. What should I do for April Fools Day this year?
Sincerely,
April
Dear April,
I do have a few suggestions. Maybe start dancing in the middle of a family dinner. Or wear your socks on your hands. Or eat cereal for lunch. OR… You can join up with my prank. I’m writing a whole fake advice column for April Fools Day this year. Wanna fool the whole school?
APRIL FOOLS!!!
Love,
The Mask
(Want more April Fools advice? Click here to read the 2023 April Fools issue!)
