April 1st Issue (2023)

Dear Mask, 

My little brother always picks his nose, waves his boogers around in the air, and then touches everything. The problem with his boogers is he puts them on the couch and the walls and I just cannot stand seeing his boogers everywhere. Help!

Sincerely,

Booger Buster

Dear Booger Buster,

Eww, no one wants to see their brother’s boogers all over the walls! My advice to you is to save up your own boogers in an airtight jar, to retain the moisture. Once you’ve collected enough boogers, stick them everywhere: on the couch, on the walls, even in your brother’s food. This way, you will no longer have to see your brother’s boogers everywhere. Instead, you will see your own beautiful boogers everywhere! 

Disgusted,

The Mask

Dear Mask,

I am dating this guy and he is so sweet and nice but I accidentally kissed his identical twin brother thinking it was him! After that kiss, my heart slowly started to realize I am in love with his twin. His twin is so much more handsome and muscular. But there is one problem: his twin is dating my best friend and has a strong and undeniable hatred for me. But I shouldn’t worry, this is just a classic enemies-to-lovers trope, right? Our bond will stay strong through our many challenges and we will find each other, right? This is true love, right? Right?

Sincerely,

Twin Troubles

Dear Twin Troubles,

This is why you should never date in middle school.

Sheesh!

The Mask

Dear Mask,

I have been waiting for years to develop an Adam’s apple. I’ve always wanted that bulgy feeling in my neck. It sounds so marvelous! So, my question to you is, is there a way I can grow my Adam’s apple faster? I want to become a man!

Sincerely,

Adam

Appleton, Wisconsin

Dear Adam,

You’re right. Being a man isn’t about age or maturity; it’s about whether you’ve developed an Adam’s apple. One of the ways you can grow your Adam's apple faster is to start eating a lot of apples. Granny Smiths are the best for this particular situation. Whatever you do, don’t use Red Delicious! Anyway, once you have eaten about 20 apples, you should examine your neck in the mirror every hour or so, until you see the core of your Adam’s apple start to form. Yes, that means waking up at night, every hour, to look in the mirror. Pay close attention; you don’t want any worms to sneak their way inside! Give it about seven days. If your Adam’s apple appears, congratulations! If it doesn’t, then you may have to become a man through plan B: acting mature.

Deeply,

The Mask

Dear Mask,

I really dislike the English language. There are so many things wrong with it! It is inconsistent and inconvenient. The language isn’t phonetic; just look at all the silent e’s and the ph’s that replace f’s. It doesn’t make any sense! On top of this, there’s British English and American English, which have different spellings of certain words, just for fun. I’d imagine English is near impossible to learn if it’s not your native language. How do I get over my hatred of this language?!

Sincerely,

Exasperated English Speaker

Dear Exasperated English Speaker,

The only way to fix your problem is to build a time machine and use it to go back in time to around the 12th century. Once you’re there, you must persuade the olden-times people to spell their words more phonetically. Explain that they will be very unpopular with citizens of the future unless they change all their spellings right away. In order to communicate with these people, of course, you’ll have to learn their version of the English language, which judging from your letter is something you’ll love doing. You’ll know you’ve been successful once you return back to 2023 and your time machine has become your “taim muhsheen.” Happy now?!

Phonetically,

The Mask

Dear Mask,

I have a question…? I was sitting under the willow tree in my backyard wearing my maroon cardigan when my ex-lover appeared out of nowhere. I knew he was trouble when he strutted in with style. He said, “Are we ever getting back together? Picture it, we would go back to December when we were 22.” I stood up and was like, “You need to calm down.” I used to think he was part of my love story, but I know all too well that we had bad blood. Yet he is just so gorgeous, and I miss him so much. Should I chase my wildest dreams or just shake it off?

Sincerely,

Taylor

Nashville, Tennessee

Dear Taylor,

You’re on your own kid.

Don’t blame me,

The Mask

Dear Mask,

I hate wearing clothes to bed! They are so uncomfortable and scratchy and restraining. So I always take my clothes off at night and sleep in… you know… my birthday suit. But here’s my problem. This weekend I am going to my friend’s house for a sleepover, and she says her mom wants me to wear clothes to bed! How am I going to sleep?!

Sincerely,

Catastrophic Clothing Hater

Dear Catastrophic Clothing Hater,

The only solution is to draw clothes onto your body, to make it look like you’re wearing pajamas even though you’re not. Be sure to add detail to make it absolutely believable. You can add rubber duckies or dinosaurs, or even paint a giraffe onesie onto yourself. Don’t forget to glue a tag to your upper back to really sell it!

Cover up,

The Mask

Dear Mask,

I long for a romance like in the stories. It's always a strong, handsome, smoldering fighter prince who falls in love with a super strong warrior lady. The problem is, none of the boys at my school are strong, gorgeous men with chiseled jawlines who know how to use a sword. What do I do?!

Sincerely,

Fairytale Failure

Dear Fairytale Failure,

It’s not the boys who are the problem; it’s you. You simply need to become that super strong warrior lady. Once you have accomplished this, the boys will surely come rolling in with their chiseled jawlines. So, you must go to the fairy fountain and speak to Gregg the Fairy. Gregg will train you, and you will grow a six pack… no, an eight pack! Once Gregg has deemed you worthy of the title of Super Strong Warrior Lady, you will become a magnet for strong, handsome, smoldering fighter princes.

Happily ever after, 

The Mask

Dear Mask,

My family and teachers keep asking me to do these crazy things. For example, my older sister told me my homework would be “a piece of cake,” but when I tried to eat it, it just tasted like paper. How could my sister do this to me!? Things got even weirder when my teacher told us to build a house out of boxes that we can fit inside. She said to “think outside the box” for the design, but how am I supposed to get inside the box while also thinking outside the box? I am so confused. Help!

Sincerely,

Literal Little Bro

Dear Literal Little Bro,

You seem to always take things at face value. What you must learn to do is read between the lines. And if you can’t, it may be time to call it a day.

Clichéd,

The Mask

Dear Mask,

I am a chronic liar, and it is becoming a big problem. Today I was late to class, so my teacher sent me to the principal's office to get a late pass. The principal asked me why I was sent to his office. I didn't want to get in trouble, so I told him that my teacher was teasing students. So the principal went back with me to class and fired my teacher, in front of everyone. When I got home, my mom had already heard the news and asked me why my teacher had been fired. I didn't want to get in trouble, so I told her that she misheard the news, no one got fired, uh, there was a real fire! At the school! I told her the flames were still raging and I wasn't sure if everyone had gotten home safely. So my mom called 911 and told the fire department to come to the school right away. But when they arrived, there was no fire, so they drove their fire trucks to my house, met up with the police in my front yard, and arrested my mom! Now I’ve ruined my teacher’s career and my mom is in jail! What do I do?!

Sincerely,

Untruthful Timmy

Dear Untruthful Timmy,

You should walk up to the jail and tell the warden…

APRIL FOOLS!

Love,

The Mask

(Want more April Fools advice? Click here to read the 2021 April Fools issue!)