April 1st Issue

Dear Mask, 

I really dislike this guy. He is so annoying. I cannot get over how absolutely awful he is. His eyes are this striking blue color, so bright it makes me want to punch him. He eats the exact same meal every single day (leek soup). Also, he has this obsession with horses. Like, what?

Sincerely,

Beatrice

Dear Beatrice,

You sure do notice many of the little details about this guy’s looks, habits, and interests. If you ask me (which you did, kind of), it seems almost as if you are obsessed with him. Think about it: You notice the smallest details about one single guy and are constantly thinking about him. So instead of hating him, you should marry him! Confess your love for him at some kind of large event, perhaps a romantic event that involves a party, lots of food, and maybe even flowers. I know that it’s hard to ask a guy out, let alone prepare for marriage, but there are plenty of people in your life who will be able to help you. Listen to them!

Speak low if you speak love,

The Mask

Dear Mask,

I have an explosive problem. Every time I go to one of my friends’ houses, I need to go poop. This would be perfectly normal, but every time I poop at one of my friends’ houses, I clog their toilet. Usually I have to awkwardly tell my friends’ parents that I clogged their toilet. Is there a way to make myself stop clogging the toilet?

Sincerely,

The Clogger

Dear The Clogger,

We all need to learn to be proud of ourselves for who we truly are. Accept yourself as a gifted pooper and toilet clogger. The answer to your dilemma is simply to stop telling your friends’ parents that you have clogged their toilet. It will be such a pleasant surprise when they discover your gift to them after you’ve left their beautiful home! If they say later that they did not appreciate your generosity, don’t listen to them. They are merely haters, jealous of your explosivity. It is your duty to spread your doody!

Holding my nose,

The Mask

Dear Mask,

I have a problem. You see, my uncle’s a bit of a collector. He collects little tiny glass pandas. I think it’s totally fine to collect things, and the pandas are actually really cute. The problem is that my uncle always gives me the glass pandas that he doesn't want to keep, like the ones with 15 eyes or missing toes, and pretends that he bought them for me as a purposeful gift. I would understand having like 12 little messed-up pandas displayed on my dresser, but my family is made up of blood-thirsty vampires. I’m 300,000 years old, and every century that goes by brings another 100 disgusting pandas to my mountain. My bedroom is filled to the brim with these horrendous monstrosities, to the point where I’ve had to start sleeping in the bathroom. But when I close my eyes, I still see the pandas! Help!

Sincerely,

Packed with Pandas

Dear Packed with Pandas,

 

Your situation really “sucks”! Since you’re vampires, you could put garlic in your uncle’s food for him to sink his teeth into. Or you could draw open the windows to let the sun in and watch him turn to dust. But the best idea is to burn all the pandas. Bury their ashes inside the coffin that’s in your backyard. Every time your uncle gets you a new panda, incinerate it with a flamethrower. Once your bedroom is finally cleared out, you’ll have enough space to… start your new flamethrower collection! 

Bloody,

The Mask

Dear Mask,

I have too many crushes! First, I saw my friend’s cousin’s girlfriend’s quadruplet brothers, and I just thought they were soooooo cute! I don’t usually get the feels, but now I have a crush on four guys, and they’re all related! But that’s not the problem. The problem is that I already have a boyfriend, and he doesn’t know about my other boyfriend, whose friend I think actually has a crush on me and also is friends with two of the quadruplets! How can I prevent myself from getting attracted to all of these fantastic-looking guys?

Sincerely,

Many Many Men

Dear Many Many Men,

I suggest you gather all four quadruplets for a battle to win your heart. They will wear identical leotard outfits and perform a ballet dance for you. Whoever is the best dancer in this battle wins the title of your #1 crush. The other three quadruplets will feel honored to assume the positions of backup crushes. Then, once your two boyfriends and your second boyfriend’s friend learn about what you’ve done (probably from one of your second boyfriend’s friend’s quadruplet friends), they will never want to speak to you again, so you’ve solved that problem.

I Am Number Four,

The Mask

Dear Mask,

I cannot stand this girl. She is so disgusting and has many gross features. She constantly insults me, so I find myself thinking about her all the time, and it’s so annoying! She has really yucky feet; I know this because she walks around barefoot constantly. She loves to perform these weird little dances everywhere, and as much as I don’t care for them, it’s impossible to look away. Her hair has this silky texture that makes me want to eat more leek soup. Like, what?

Sincerely, 

Benedick 

Dear Benedick, 

You sure do notice many of the little details about this girl’s looks, habits, and interests. If you ask me (which you did, kind of), it seems almost as if you are obsessed with her. Think about it: You notice the smallest details about one single girl and are constantly thinking about her. So instead of hating her, you should marry her! Confess your love for her at some kind of large event, perhaps a romantic event that involves a party, lots of food, and maybe even flowers. I know that it’s hard to ask a girl out, let alone prepare for marriage, but there are plenty of people in your life who will be able to help you. Listen to them!

Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps,

The Mask

Dear Mask,

I have a best friend. They are with me at all times. They are comforting and supportive. The only problem is, they are a rock. When I introduced my rock to my other friends, they all laughed at me. What’s so bad about having a pet rock? They’re just like a dog or cat, really. They can play fetch. They adore laser pointers. And I bet my other friends’ relationships with their “real pets” are way worse! How do I show my friends my rock without them judging me?

Sincerely,

The Boulder

Dear The Boulder,

Rocks are truly an underrated pet. You don’t need to feed them, you don’t need to walk them, and they don’t take much maintenance. In fact, I used to have a pet rock. Named Rocky. See, Rocky was the best pet I’d ever had, but his life came to an abrupt end when my so-called “friend” skipped him across a lake. He obviously didn’t understand that Rocky and I had a connection way beyond the one he had with his measly hamster. That’s when I decided I didn’t need “friends.” I started to research ways to do the seemingly impossible: become a rock myself. I found a wizard, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Some say he’s off his rocker, but he knows his stuff. With his help, I transformed into a perfect rock. My legs becoming smooth pebbles, and my body morphed into a beautiful stone face. Through this method, you can live with your rock! You know, sit together on the couch, gorge on chocolate ice cream with marshmallows and nuts, play some video games. Rocks are so much better than humans. #StayRocky

Rock & roll!

The Mask

Dear Mask,

I’ve been grieving pretty heavily for the last few weeks. You see, my hamster, whom I had for three years, recently passed away. I loved Jeremy so much. We went on many adventures. I found him lying limp on his workout equipment, but I couldn't accept the fact that my favorite hamster had kicked the bucket. We had done so much together. I would feed him, I would pet him, and one time I even took him to school. I’m so devastated, and I don't know how I can possibly move on with my life. I’d really like to throw him a cute hamster funeral. Do you know how much it would cost?

Sincerely, 

Event Planner

Dear Event Planner,

It would cost $20.19.

Condolences,

The Mask

Dear Mask,

I have a creepy neighbor. One day during breakfast, I saw them peek out their window watching me eat my fiber-rich cereal. On other occasions I can’t see them but I just know they’re watching me. My problem is that I don’t know how to tell them to stop! What do I do about this sketchy situation? Help!

Sincerely,

Watched Neighbor

Dear Watched Neighbor,

I know this can be hard to deal with, but sometimes… Wait, don’t cry. Oh good, you got a tissue. Anyway, sometimes you just have to let your neighbors do what they do. Oh, your parents just walked in; you can ask them what they think. What?! Wow, way to slam the door on your parents! That’s a little harsh, dude. How about doing some yoga to calm yourself down? Your yoga mat is over there, in the corner. No, not that corner, the one by the desk. Okay, I have to take a break now; sitting on my knees in these bushes is really uncomfortable, and these binoculars are too big for me.

I spy with my little eye,

The Mask

Chat,

I’m widuwwy cwying right now bro, I feel like skibbidi toilet just gwittied on my face, I’m widuwwy gonna yeet these betas with their fancy words into Roblox if they don't stop widuwwy twying to rizz me up with their “proper” lingo, like you don’t even know how to mew BETA, they’ve siriusly gyatt to try looksmaxxing and stop yapping, like bro lowkey thinks they’re the main character when they’re widuwwy an NPC beta like bro, you don’t even know who Jacob Elordi is, anyway, they need to stop or I'm gonna fanum tax them.

Widuwwy mewing right now,

Sigma

Dearest Sigma,

Your problem is quite troubling. It is with a great deal of sympathy that I approach this dilemma. I suppose it would be in your best interest to consider why exactly they are attempting to rizz you up. There is a probability that their so-called “fancy language” is just this person’s way of speaking. Or perhaps you’re right and they are just a pigeon-livered phony. Whatever the matter may be, just ignore the ratbag.

 

Dearly and with all my heart,

The Mask

Dear Mask,

I need to set my friends up with each other! One of them really likes leek soup, and the other has really stinky feet. They are so cute together, but they absolutely despise one another. They are such an item but are so stubborn! How can I make them get together and declare their feelings for each other?

Sincerely,

Don Pedro

Dear Don Pedro,

I totally ship them, too. You should orchestrate some kind of scheme to get them to realize that they like each other. One way to do this is to get their separate groups of friends to convince them that the other one secretly likes them. Then, when they confess their love for each other, it will be like one… big…

APRIL FOOLS!

Yes, as you've certainly guessed by now, none of these letters is real. This whole issue has all been much ado about nothing. Don't get fooled today!

Prankly

The Mask

(Want more April Fools advice? Read our 2023 and 2021 April Fools issues!)